How to know when to choose yourself.

I went on an annual spiritual retreat a few weeks back.  My fourth time attending this weekend away, diving into the depths of who I am, what I want and where I’m going.  In the past, I’ve walked into this retreat with no intention.  I have a ‘bring it on’ attitude and a hope that I will purge just enough that my emotional body stops leaking pain during the day so I can function at the top level.  

This time, I knew the work I wanted to look at.  I knew that my heart was in need of some serious love to forgive myself for the destruction of my marriage and a relationship that I got into way too quickly afterward.  Every time I have tried dating since then, I’ve ended up self-destructing or pretending that I didn’t care as much as I actually did.  I feel the feels on a pretty intense basis, so lying to myself that I don’t give a damn about my heart being sad, is my go-to.  (I seriously hope none of them read this because then my game is up.)

Climbing out of a co-dependant marriage that hosted a few years of mental illness (check out my story, to read up on all that jazz), I absolutely despise asking for help, leaning on people, and pretending like I don’t have my shit together at all times. In spite of this, I consistently ask for help, lean on people, and force myself into admitting that I am hanging on by a thread when that point comes.  Which it does, I’m a full-time single mom trying to build an empire where I don’t actually have to ask for help, I can just hire it. So, ironically, admitting defeat is where I have found my strength.  

So here I was prepping for this retreat, packing my bag, chatting it up with myself about what we were going to discover together this weekend.  I was set on the need to release the sadness in my life. Specifically the grief of loving and losing. Coming to terms with the fact that I’m a 38-year-old single mother trying to build a life that will sustain my family without help from a partner.  (See there I go again with the ‘I don’t need anyone’ lies).  But the reality is, I need to hug my sad heart and let it heal so I can actually love someone properly. 

 (you can’t see my face right now, but it includes side-eye)

Okay listen, as a healer & coach, I logically know that this shit isn’t easy.    That does not mean that I will not consistently try to find the cheat sheet version of healing and letting emotional pain go.  Once I do that, I will happily share my discovery!  I know that emotional release takes a lot of reflection and hard work.  It takes consistency to find that inner peace where triggers of mistrust & pain are not upfront and center.  It takes courage to look at the ugly parts of yourself and trust that its okay to have ugly parts.  We must allow this into our being.  We must allow the emotion to ride out, but not have to power to control us.  We perpetually victimize ourselves to make ourselves feel better when we need to do more of ‘owning up’.  I say WE because I’m included in this mess.  

“You should have checked yourself”
- Guy who wrecked himself -

Off the retreat, I go! Once there, we are immediately set into a meditation where we are to set out the intention for the work ahead of us. I am ready. I am pumped. I am going to release like a rockstar and heal some heart wounds! YEAH!

No. Instead, I kept hearing my own voice and the words trust, choice & safety. 

I’m sorry, whaaaat? No no, higher self you must not have heard me.  I am here to release heart pain, grief, anger (so much anger), and maybe a little of the boys I’ve dated over the past 2 years.  We can squeak those buggers in too, right? 

Higher self did a smack up the backside of my head. No. You are here to work on trust, choice & safety. 

The Side-eye came out again. Fine.

Now here is what I love about this type of work.  Even though consciously you think you know what is holding you back, your higher self, the subconscious, loving, energy of pure spirit is always more accurate. You can’t argue with it. There is no ego involved.  There is no judgment.  There is just understanding & compassion for what is best for you.  Truly best.  With a loving smack upside the head sometimes. 

So trust, choices & safety were it.  Now what? 

What unfolded this weekend was remembering.  A loving nudge from myself to my heart that insisted I finally better listen.  I speak about the power of choices often.  One decision, as little as it is, can steer a conversation over the rails or bring it back into a loving connection.  One decision can change the trajectory of your life in such small ways that by the time you have arrived, you have no idea how you got there.  Conscious decisions have the power to create & destroy. 

For a long time, I believed my life had been led by other people’s choices.  Up until the moment I decided to walk away from my husband, I was being led, apathetically, by the decisions of other people. The choices my parents made, the choices my abusers made, the choices of my doctors, of my friends, my husband. The choice to love me, or leave me.  My God, how much power I have given everyone in my life! For so very long, I just wanted someone to choose me.  Little did I know, that since I was a child, I had been doing just that. 

I chose to leave a toxic unsafe home environment as a teenager.
I chose to call for help when I didn’t want to live anymore.
I chose to confront my trauma and climb out of mental illness.
I chose to walk away from a toxic marriage.
I chose to walk away from unsafe friendships.

I chose me. (insert a visual of me smacking my own forehead upon this discovery) The remembering of my own strength, of my own choices, was powerful. 

Only within this choice, am I safe to trust.  My body, my heart, and my mind have been used, abused, and rejected by the choices of others in life.  The only time I am truly safe in this world is when I choose myself. These two concepts I logically knew. I understood on some level.  But putting it all together like that allowed me to surrender to myself for the first time in my life. 

I have given so much power to the concept of God, the Universe, my loved ones, the opinions of others.  The rules of life that MUST be lived based on an external being.  But if you have a love of the infinite exchange of energy like I do, you know that you are God. You are the Universe. You hold the only opinion of worth.  There is NO external being. You are the only choice. 

I am chosen by me. I am always safe in this choice. I surrender to myself. 

So did I release? In a way. What I walked away with is actually so much more.  

I walked away remembering who I am. 

CheckMate,
Sincerely, your higher self